Beyond . . .

Clae had a book with lots of different pictures in it. Scattered throughout the pages were Blue butterflies. Oh how he loved those blue butterflies. He couldn’t say a lot of words Even though his comprehension level was astounding. I could ask him where anything was and he’d point to it. His favorite was picking out the butterflies, “yes, Clae, there’s a blue butterfly.” Then he’d flip the page and say,” oh look” pointing to yet another blue butterfly, “ yes, Clae very good, another blue butterfly.” He would be so excited that WE knew what it was, so he’d look for another one to see if we could figure it out again. “ Oh look”, “Yes Clae there is another blue butterfly.” Sometimes we’d hide the book because those little blue butterflies would get annoying, but he always found it, and would start showing us where those blue butterflies were again. But we’d play along because he liked it so much. The excitement he’d get out of life’s simplest things made me rethink a lot of my priorities. My two year old son taught me to stop and smell the roses… something I didn’t learn in my 32 years.

  Clae was 2 years, 2 months and 2 days old when he died.

The numbers 2.2.2 have become very significant to us and this image.

. . . /read more


Clae died at 2 years, 2 months and 2 days.  It seems strange that the years, months and days were the same. 222.  When someone you love so utterly and completely leaves you, you seem to grab onto anything you can for comfort. Sometimes strange things can happen almost like your brain is playing tricks on you.  Is it something that is logically explained away?  Perhaps; but I prefer that I have no answers when it comes to life after death. Whether all of these things are coincidental or just us hoping so hard for it to be real, I don’t know, but this section is about the things that have happened that we hold onto as if Clae were talking to us.

 “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle”  Albert Einstein


Obviously the death of a child is beyond what most can bare. We’ve cried so many tears, I’m sure we could have filled the oceans over again. As part of the bereavement package that ICU handed out with the large assortment of books, I got a heart pendant with a central heart punched out and given to Clae. So my heart symbolizes the hole that is left with his absence. I wore it constantly. To bed; in the shower. Then I realized that it was only made out of ceramic hanging on a little piece of embroidery thread. I knew if I ever lost or broke it I’d be a basketcase, so I convinced myself to stop wearing it all the time and it has found it’s place hanging on my lamp, beside my bed, right above the photo I have of the two of us. So it’s beside me when I sleep. Right after Clae died, our daughter Cyenna who was only 2 months at the time got her days and nights mixed up. So this one particular night when I had just put her to sleep, I was sitting on the side of my bed crying, looking at his picture and stroking the heart pendant. I finally decided to pull up the covers and say goodnight to my boy when I looked at the clock and it was 2:22. A chill ran though me and I lost my breath. This actually happened to me twice right after he died. Now I find myself staring at the clock until it hits 2:22 so I can say goodnight to him.

My sister in law Erica and her fiancé were getting ready to sign the papers to her new house and the whole family went for a tour of it. In one of the rooms was a photograph of the current owners grandchild. I actually had to double take because I was wondering why these people had a picture of my boy in their house. The second glance revealed no birthmark, but when I turned, I noticed Erica and Clae’s grandmother staring at it in disbelief to. When I was leaving the house after my lovely tour, they stayed behind to sign documents. I honked my horn to say goodbye as I looked at the clock… again 2:22
Clae likes his Auntie’s new home

My first baby shower after Clae died was a little difficult but not to bad. They didn’t have any of the little games that they usually put on for a new mom to be because this was her second child. They did have one prize for whoever happened to be eating off of the plate with a picture of a flower on the bottom. As chance would have it, it was my plate. So I started to unwrap the cute little package and started to vibrate when I opened it. I could barely take them out of the box. “Oh Look, Blue butterfly earrings”… Hi Baby!

As chance would have it the second baby shower I attended months later had a prize for me as well. I was to go up on a table full of wrapped presents to pick one. As I unwrapped it accompanied with a crystal cross was a butterfly key chain. My house is full of butterflies now myt baby boy.

Turtle Light
When I got pregnant with Clae I got a cute turtle lamp that I used for his night-light. It was only 15 watt so it was perfect for that. I always left it on... in the mornings his room was so bright I couldn't see it lit and would forget to turn it off. So after he died I still left it lit. Just comforting in a way I guess.

This weekend was the day I had decided to convert his room, into hers. I'd been trying to do it for a long time and it just never got done. Either I'd find an excuse, or I'd go in and get little accomplished looking at all of his things and get overwhelmed. So my mom and dad (thankfully) decided to come help. I wanted to do it alone but knew I'd find some excuse not to do it... after all it was Easter weekend and gorgeous outside. So after many hours we got his room changed just enough to still feel like his but with enough of a change that I wasn't uncomfortable by the whole thing, and now it has a nice girly touch.

My plan was not to put her into the crib right away because I figure that's a big shock for such a little one. I'd put her in the bassinet and then that in the crib so she was still in her own bed, when she woke up in a different room. SO the last thing I did for finishing touches to the room was to put her bassinet in the crib.

Cyenna had been fussy the last couple of nights cutting her first tooth ;-) so I figured by the time she was ready for sleep that it probably wasn't the best idea for her first night in a different room from mom and dad to be right then. So I went in to go get her bassinet from her new bedroom... and the little turtle light was out. Two years and five months after I first turned it on it finally burnt out the day it became HER bedroom.

I think Clae was telling me it was okay, because he didn’t need it anymore.

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart”
 Helen Keller